That was a Lesson

Note to self. Amanita Muscaria just makes me sweat. My blood sugar dropped, which is interesting, but otherwise the only effect is I'm really, uncomfortably warm.

Someone That You Used to Know

I signed up for a dating website.

I might have been a little high when I did it, and it went about as well as to be expected. I wrote a really funny (in my opinion) bio that made it pretty clear what kind of person I am, that I'm really into original, funny, creative, cynical types -- especially kinda Gothy ones -- and got a slew of identical "I really like your profile. Let's chat!" messages that were clearly generated by clicking the "suggested responses" when you like someone's bio.

Basically, not a creative, original, or funny response in the bunch.

It's weird being in your 50s and single. Especially with a dead partner. It's a whole different kind of baggage that you bring to a relationship. It didn't end because the love went away. I think that's the problem. It's been years and I still love them. It's hard to find someone new when I still want the person I had; I'm not looking for a different type.

And because I want the same type, no one will ever measure up. They will constantly be compared to the lost one.

So I'm only in my 50s. I look younger. Not like 20 years younger, but definitely not 50+. People occasionally ask me if I'm ever going to date again, or assume when I refer to something the partner and I did years ago that I still have a partner and the look I get when I tell them I've been widowed for 4 years is ... different. It's a mix of confusion, sorrow, and fear.

There's things that I wanted to do when I was younger that I won't now. Things that I used to do that I won't now. There are things that are still possible when you get older, but probably shouldn't be done alone. I think it would be a really bad idea to go wander off into the woods of a state park by myself. Or go camping by myself. Or travel by myself.

I'm diabetic and don't recognize the symptoms of very low glucose. I have a sensor that alerts me when I hit 50. I have no executive function and I get lost very easily. Not someone who should be alone in the world. Someone has to hold my leash and keep an eye on me.

And I've got at least another 30 years to go.

All there is to do is put on the VR glasses and hope for an early death.

More Therapy

Therapist really wants me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist so I can get evaluated and potentially medicated for ADHD. Working up the nerve to talk to a therapist was hard enough. I don't think he completely understands why it's so hard for me to talk to another new person so quickly.

He asked me when I think I lost my ability to focus on things. I said what I really lost was my ability to hyper-focus on things. I've always been "hop from one thing to another" but usually in large blocks of time. Now I don't so much hop from thing to thing but manage a thing for 15 minutes and then space out for an hour. When I try to go back to what I was doing I have no idea what I was doing and can't start again. It's like I've stopped understanding English, or I'm starting like I've never done the thing before.

"What do you think will help you get back into the things you like?" he asked. "I don't know. That's why I'm here." I replied. He went through the routine about how he's not there to give me answers but to lead me to them, and I wanted to yell "I don't function that way. I need someone to tell me what to do."

It's true. I'm a secondary character. I'm a sidekick. Largely an NPC. If I haven't been coded to do something I will not be able to do it. I might not even be aware it's there. I have absolutely no executive function of my own, so I need someone to be the executive.