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It was my first night in Alphaville, but it seemed to me that centuries had passed.

Since I mentioned therapy in my previous post, I got a bunch of therapy-related suggested titles/topics for this post. Back off, Hal. This blog is mine and I'll do the writing.


And speaking of writing, this next bit is fiction:


I spent too many minutes staring out my window at the city outside. Levtrains and cars zipped past on their routes.  Lights went off and on in the office and residential towers around my building.  A slight flicker at the very top of the Nomoa building betrayed that this wasn’t an actual window, but a monitor showing me what the world outside looked like.  We weren’t allowed real windows. A small camera on the outside of each unit was cheaper to maintain and much safer.


It was also positioned to avoid showing the actual street, about 20 stories down.  I could imagine it, though.  Construction noise. High power water hissing from the hoses used to dig holes through the concrete, voices calling back and forth, faint and unintelligible. Background noise for a city trying so hard to keep standing.


I wondered if my building would sink again.  The last time they did this – upgrading water and sewer lines – the front lobby started to fall inward.  Structural engineers had to be called in. We narrowly avoided condemnation.


The unit next to mine was being renovated. I could hear paneling being installed. I hoped the new tenants had sprung for the soundproofing.  The previous ones hadn’t and the sound of their seven children echoed through my place nearly constantly.  My unit wasn’t available for soundproofing.  Technically it wasn’t supposed to be residential.  It was a storage unit that had been retrofitted with a full bathroom and kitchen, and screens – actual cloth and wood – to create a sleeping area with some degree of privacy.

Outside, a car flew past so close I could almost see the occupants.  Teenagers, probably newly licensed, showing off their skills by “dusting” buildings.  The barriers at this level kept the car from crashing into the building, but stunt driving like this led to the elimination of windows at anything above the third floor because the barriers did nothing about the window-shattering soundwaves.  Windows on the lowest levels had been eliminated to reduce theft and vandalism about five years earlier.


A giant fan in the ceiling groaned to life and started to turn slowly, stirring up a gentle breeze. It smelled faintly of creosote and cotton candy.  A few taps of my keyboard added the aroma of freshly brewed coffee.  This wasn’t synthetic, however.  This was the real thing.  Genuine coffee beans from Kenya, lightly roasted, not too finely ground, and brewed with filtered water – impurities removed and no enhancers added. I have no problem with enhancers; I just like my coffee to be coffee.


Flax milk and artificial sweetener don’t count as enhancers.  They’re part of the process.

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I'm starting therapy again this week. I've been in and out of of it for years because it never really seems to work. I'm very self-destructive and tend to sabotage attempts to make myself better. At least this time I told the therapist that before we even get started.


It's online. The first meeting is supposed to be a video call, but I don't think I'll turn the camera on. It's a therapist. I hope he'll understand.


I'm not really sure what I expect to get out of this. I meditate. I do the whole gratitude journal thing. I find joy in small things -- I bought Peets light roast coffee, and it smells like coffee my grandmother would make in a percolator. Very comforting. Very familiar. Very happy. Dopamine hit.


The problem is the hits are so small and don't last long and when there's nothing there is literally nothing. I have no motivation to do anything. I can't focus on anything long enough to really get into it. I get no joy from things I used to love, and I can't pay attention to anything new long enough to even find out if I like it. I have so many books I want to read and so many movies and TV shows I want to watch and most of the time I am sat on the sofa, scrolling my phone without reading or even seeing what goes by. There's usually a true crime show on in the background, unwatched, murmuring horrific acts. A lot of ultra-religious people are murderers. Or maybe it's the same 10 episodes looping over and over and I don't notice. I play a lot of freecell solitaire instead of paying attention.


 "I play a lot of freecell solitaire instead of paying attention" is a pretty big theme in my life.


I can get through a workday with enough coffee and a nicotine patch. Short term focus from an unsustainable practice.


I know he's going to ask about my social support. My friends. My family. Therapists never react well when I tell them it's just me. My emergency contact is a number no longer in service.


There has been one person in my life, and they're gone and never coming back. I'm not interested in replacing them. Therapists hate that. I don't care about people or company. I want my brain back.




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I need someone who will not only recognize that I am Being Ridiculous About Something but also understands that I know I am Being Ridiculous About Something. Who doesn't feel the need to point out that I'm Being Ridiculous About Something but will instead give me a hug and help me fix it.

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