I'm starting therapy again this week. I've been in and out of of it for years because it never really seems to work. I'm very self-destructive and tend to sabotage attempts to make myself better. At least this time I told the therapist that before we even get started.
It's online. The first meeting is supposed to be a video call, but I don't think I'll turn the camera on. It's a therapist. I hope he'll understand.
I'm not really sure what I expect to get out of this. I meditate. I do the whole gratitude journal thing. I find joy in small things -- I bought Peets light roast coffee, and it smells like coffee my grandmother would make in a percolator. Very comforting. Very familiar. Very happy. Dopamine hit.
The problem is the hits are so small and don't last long and when there's nothing there is literally nothing. I have no motivation to do anything. I can't focus on anything long enough to really get into it. I get no joy from things I used to love, and I can't pay attention to anything new long enough to even find out if I like it. I have so many books I want to read and so many movies and TV shows I want to watch and most of the time I am sat on the sofa, scrolling my phone without reading or even seeing what goes by. There's usually a true crime show on in the background, unwatched, murmuring horrific acts. A lot of ultra-religious people are murderers. Or maybe it's the same 10 episodes looping over and over and I don't notice. I play a lot of freecell solitaire instead of paying attention.
"I play a lot of freecell solitaire instead of paying attention" is a pretty big theme in my life.
I can get through a workday with enough coffee and a nicotine patch. Short term focus from an unsustainable practice.
I know he's going to ask about my social support. My friends. My family. Therapists never react well when I tell them it's just me. My emergency contact is a number no longer in service.
There has been one person in my life, and they're gone and never coming back. I'm not interested in replacing them. Therapists hate that. I don't care about people or company. I want my brain back.
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